The parenting journey doesn’t stop at age 18—though it takes a different turn.
This is one of the most precarious balancing acts parents must navigate. The responsibility to guide your children continues, but how you exercise that guidance must change to accommodate their new status as grown-ups.
Establish a close connection with your adult children by releasing control while retaining connection. This takes intention, grace, and humility. Here are three practical strategies to help you ease through the transition: honoring boundaries, creating open communication, and encouraging independence.
Strategy 1: Respect Their Boundaries—Even When It’s Hard
Why It Matters:
As your child grows up into a young adult, they will establish boundaries that reflect who they are and how they wish to engage with the world—and with you. It can be experienced as distance or feeling like they’re rejecting you, but what’s probably happening is they’re trying to figure out what growing up looks like. Honoring those boundaries is perhaps the most effective demonstration of love and the means of gaining long-term trust.
Ask, don’t assume.
Ask your adult child what works for them before planning, doling out advice, or even stopping by. This demonstrates that you respect their time, space, and independence. Phrases such as, “Is this a good time to discuss this?” or “Would you prefer my opinion, or would you like me to just listen?” can be very effective.
Let “no” be okay.
Adult children don’t necessarily want to get involved in family traditions, heed your advice, or return your calls immediately. Don’t guilt-trip them or get personal. Allowing them to say “no” without repercussions demonstrates maturity in your relationship—and chances are, they will come back to you when they feel emotionally secure.
Respect their privacy.
They may not open their lives to you completely anymore. Don’t pressure them for information they’re not yet prepared to give you. Let them feel free to come to you whenever they are.
We need to give our adult children “space to breathe,” just like God has given us free will to choose independently, even if we get it wrong. Respect, not control, deepens lasting relationships.
Strategy 2: Talk Like An Adult—Not a Parent Talking to a Teenager
Why It Matters:
Your adult child is no longer the child that you reminded to get their homework done or clean their room. They’re establishing their own values, their own principles, their own life paths—and they want to be heard on their own terms. In order to develop a deepening of connection, your communication style must adjust.
Practice active listening.
Let go of wanting to teach or correct. Listen to understand, not to respond. Use open-ended questions and paraphrase what they state. For instance, “I can tell your new work has been much more stressful than you anticipated. What has been the most challenging area?”
Validate their emotions.
Even if you don’t like their choices, validate their point. Practice saying, “I can see why that’s frustrating,” rather than rushing in with a solution or judgment.
Refuse your “Parent Voice.” Talk to them respectfully and with a sense of inquiry, rather than judgment or superiority. Replace “You ought to.” with “Have you considered.” or “What are your choices?” The subtle changes in tone can go a long way in making your adult child feel respected.
You need to move from “telling” to “talking.” Adult children close down whenever they feel condescended to, but become open if considered as their peers.
Strategy 3: Support Their Independence—Even When You Disagree
Why It Matters:
Having your child make different choices from your own, or worse, seeing them struggle, can be one of the most agonizing parts of parenting adults. But not intervening at every hint of danger is important to enabling them to mature. Independence isn’t necessarily about doing things by themselves; it’s about taking ownership of their own life and growing from their experiences.
Let them figure things out by themselves.
The temptation is to dive in and repair them, particularly if they are struggling financially, emotionally, or relationally. Support them, but don’t rescue them. Instead, ask, “How can I most help you in this moment?” This helps to reinforce your confidence in their ability to manage life.
Celebrate progress, not perfection.
Acknowledge the guts of making adult choices—even poor ones. Praise them for taking action or making tough decisions, even if they don’t turn out as well as you hoped. It takes much longer to develop confidence through encouragement than through criticism.
Model grace and forgiveness.
They will mess up. And so will you. When errors occur, be humble and kind. Get over yourself with a quick apology. Leave the door open to forgiveness. Your grace in these times sets the foundation for a relationship that can endure anything.
Adult children don’t require “perfect” parents—just those who are present, humble, and grace-giving. The same love that led them as children now becomes the anchor that draws them back in when life becomes turbulent.
Grow alongside them, not against them.
Shifting from parenting children to forming adult relationships requires a conscious effort—though it’s richly rewarding. It requires a heart adjustment rather than a checklist. You’re not finished being a parent; you’re just being called into a new position: encourager, listener, and trusted friend.
It will not be easy. There are going to be times of tension, silence, or misunderstanding. But if you remain dedicated to honoring their boundaries, dialoguing as equals, and encouraging their independence, you are building a foundation for a successful relationship—not in spite of the transition, but because of it.
The path may be new, but it’s worth each step.
For more on this topic, listen to FMP 236: Meeting Your Children Where They Are